Ted looked over his fields - beets weren't selling this year, but that was alright. He still had plenty of cash left over from last years crop. Beets never sold anyways, the real money was in corn.
Never before had Ted seen such a summer with such a terrible drought. The old Robinson farm practically dried up, and it was only with a new watering system that Ted stayed in the black. He was also considering completely switching to a hydroponic farm, and grow exclusively lettuce, but his son, Simon, would never go for that. Simon enjoyed the simple pleasures of walking through the rows of tall stalks of corn, or the enjoyment wrought from plucking carrots from their rooty hibernations.
Ted walked to his truck, hopped in, and started it up. He made sure his foot was on the pedals this time, because on more than one occasion he was trying to accelerate on an old tissue box. The old farmer drove into town to pick up some seeds for Simon's science fair project. Simon planned on growing beans, and then showing the effects of mashing them into coffee. Simon always had a knack for finding things no one would think were good, but made them great.
Ted reached the store, and ran his fingers through his long mullet. He donned a pair of sunglasses, and grabbed his 12 gauge shotgun from the back of his truck. Calmly, he strode into the shop, and sidled up to the cashier.
"You're going to do what I want you to do, or else this may get very unpleasant." Ted brandished his gun to the young female cashier. She nodded, and tears began to stream down her face. She had seen this on the news last night. An old man with a mullet and sunglasses would rob stores for, of all things, bean seeds.
"You know what I want, right, hun? The seeds. I need the seeds."
The cashier handed him a bag of seeds, just as two police cruisers pulled up into the parking lot.
Constable Herkins was no fool to agrorobbery. He had seen a lot of cases in his time, and they never ended up pretty. He advised his comrade, Lieutenant Donald to go in through the back door, for a sneak attack.
Ted knew this wasn't going to end pretty. He climbed the ladder onto the roof, and took position behind a cooling vent. He had trained for months.
He was prepared for this.
Herkins threw a flashbang onto the roof, instantly blinding Ted. Donald climbed the ladder while Ted stay there as silently as possible, waiting out the effects of the deafening grenade. Donald leapt around a corner, and dropkicked Ted right in the face. The effects wore off Ted, and he sprung up with an uppercut to Donald's jaw. Donald became quite disoriented, and fell off the roof onto a conveniently placed picket fence, which had been sharpened earlier that day.
Herkins heard the death wail of Donald. He wept a little behind his aviator goggles, but he knew he had to stay strong.
Ted ran to the helicopter, and instructed the pilot to start it immediately. Herkins anticipated this with a bribe to the helicopter pilot, who was told to fly to the secret police station in the mountains. Herkins knew that the pilot would double cross him. He had a gut feeling.
The constable sprinted to the trunk of his cruiser where he kept a little something for a special occasion such as this. A laser-guided RPGRGPPRGPGPR. He assembled it in no time at all, took aim, and fired.
A giant explosion lit up the night sky, and the helicopter careened into the ground with an earth-shaking roar. Herkins turned around, and a pair of sunglasses fell at his feet.
"Ted...perhaps in another life, I could've called you friend," Herkins silently whispered silently into the warm summer wind. He picked up the remains of his dead cop buddy, and called it a night.
Labels: finally, pointless, post, wtf
