the origins of the dog

this is part two in my n part series of the origin of something, this week its DOG.

about sixteen hundred years ago, a dog was found clutching onto a street post mumbling something about high gas prices. but people thought he was crazy as back then they didnt have street posts.

dogs invented street posts.

after sixteen hundred years ago, another dog invented the sun. he named it the sun because it was bright, and dogs cant speak very well. its really a rough translation to be honest. i dont think woof sounds like sun, but i guess i'm wrong.

i'm never wrong.

approximently seventeen years ago, three dogs started an underground amateur foxy boxing league. they just took foxes, tied them to 2x4's and beat each other with them. my lead fox historian could not be reached for comment, as it is a very touchy subject.

dogs invented foxy boxing.


this is a dog who snuck into a giraffe and took over its body.

D.A.N.C.E.

This is me, Isaac, about 2 before 7 o'clock. What happens at 7 you might ask. Well there is probably a bunch of stuff but what I am writing about is the dance that happens tonight at our school that I happen to be attending. I thought that I'd give my before and after thoughts on the dance. But first...
...a brief history of Isaac and dances. I had never attended any dances in high school before grade 12. But this year my mind changed and I though, "oh what the heck it's my last year let me try and experience everything." So, I started to attend the dances of this year. First it was the "In Da Club" dance, which was alright. Only Bryan, Mac, Kim and I attended that one out of our group at the time. The dance was good overall, except I didn't like the music and most of the event. I had personal reasons why I didn't particularly like the end of that dance. But all in all, that dance left a bad taste in my mouth about the events. The second dance was "Semi." Semi I thought would be fun cause we had convinced more friends to go and we were all dressing up. And don't get me wrong, Semi was way better than the previous dance but there was some different personal reasons why this dance was frustrating me. This dance was better though and I didn't have as much of a bad time. Now we get to this dance, the one that is occurring tonight. I didn't even know about this one until about a week before it, for we were on March Break the week before and therefore could not be advertised to us. So it was already a surprise to me and I assumed that I would go. Then later in the week, I started to think a bit more about it and was contemplating going. Of course this time I have yet again another different personal reason that turned me off to the idea. This time it was to actively try and prevent a situation that might upset me. There were already a bunch of people that were going, but they just so happened to be all couples, which would leave Isaac to himself, which is just sort of weird and depressing. After a bit of convincing my friends have now, just today, convinced me to buy a ticket. Convincing Lucas to go also helped my case. And now I have learned that Mac is most likely going as well. So no longer will there be couples and Isaac, there will be couples and a couples of guys. I was also told by our good friend Marc that he wants me to film people at the dance so I am sort of excited to do that as well.
So, those are my thoughts on dances and specifically this dance. I'm apprehensive for 2 or 3 reasons but have decided that I am going to really try to have a good time. I will give you an update with my after reactions of the dance in this same post. Stay tuned!

World Travelling

Recently i have returned home from a trip to Europe. First of all, i'd like to point out that flying is much more comfortable than it seems on t.v. I'm a fairly tall guy and i had enough leg room to last me the flight. Also, airline food isn't terrible, its just not something i would want to eat every day.

Anyways, we left from Pearson in Toronto and we landed to take a connection to Heathrow in London. The flight was long but had some good in flight movies(no country for old men, juno etc.) and XM radio(justice, daft punk, pink floyd, LCD sound system to name a few of the bands i listened to.) From Heathrow we flew to the Marco Polo airport in Venice. This airport was not nearly as big as the previous two, nor was it as good looking.

From the airport we took a short bus ride to our hotel in Treviso, which is a small city in the Venetto, the region that was once owned by Venice when it was a city state. We stayed the for two nights, during one of which, me and a few other people were stopped by a little old Italian woman and asked if we wanted to see the coolest thing in the city. We, of course, being pretty cool guys went along and she brought to what we have assumed to be some sort of art community college. There we waited around for about 45 minutes listening to an art conference waiting for some artist name Lawrence Carrol. Finally he showed up (he had troubles getting from his hotel) and we got to meet with him and shake his hand. Then the crazy old lady that dragged us there, who was quite ecstatic to see that we were (pretendingly) showing interest, gave us a book full of all of his art. We read the back of the book and found out that is was worth $75 Canadian and we got it for free! A very nice grab. Plus he signed it. "To Canada, Thanks for coming to see what i do".

The next day we take a day trip into the city of Venice. We took a small tour of the canals and the streets. We then headed to Piaza San Marco (St. Marc's Square). We took a quick look at the cathedral and the bell tower, but when we turned around, we found ourselves staring at a large museum. What was even more shocking than seeing a museum behind you is seeing a museum with the main exhibition being Lawrence Carrol! The artist we shook hands with the night before! All of us were under the impression that he was a big nobody, but apparently, he is big enough to have the main exhibit at the museum in St. Marc's Square.

The day after that we traveled to Florence. It was a long bus ride through the mountains, but very nice and scenic. When we got to Florence we checked in to the hotel and then went to see the statue of David. It is quite the statue. Not because of his enormous wang, but because of the realism and the live that Michaelangelo capture in the sculpting. The next day in Florence we walked through the city and visited the leather market, where i got my great new hat. I also got the chance to climb to the top of the Duomo (The central cathedral in any major Italian city). For most of its life, it had the largest dome in all of Christendom. It was also fairly tall. It took about 400 steps to reach the top. It gave a beautiful view of the city and the surrounding mountains.

From Florence, on our way to Nice, we took a quick stop in Pisa, where of course, i took pictures of the leaning tower. I also attempted to get a picture of my finger pushing the tower over (perspectively), but i'm not sure how well it worked out.

When we arrived in Nice, we were greeted with a pleasant surprise. It was warm! We had the ability to walk around in shorts and t-shirts. The Mediterranean was also quite nice, but cold. It was very clear and blue. We spent two nights in Nice and on one of the days we took a trip into the principality of Monaco. It was very nice there too. The weather was clear and the breeze was warm. A perfect day to walk along the sea. We also visited Jacques Cousteau's oceanographic museum. Its quite the place. It has tonnes of fish, lobsters sharks, squids and etc.

The place we traveled to was Avignon. we only spent one day there, unfortunately. It was a very nice little city and the weather was warm there too. The next day we took the TGV (french bullet train) to Paris, where we spent three nights. We saw all the usual things, the Eiffel Tower, Notre Dame, Sacre Cour, etc. We also went to Pere Lachaise cemetery. This cemetery holds the remains of two great musicians. The first being Chopin, the crazy guy that matt has a bust of, and the other being Jim Morrison of the doors. It was quite interesting to see, because neither of them had really ornate grave markings, unlike other people (Oscar Wilde).

The trip concludes with an eight hour plane ride back to Toronto, which seemed to take forever. We had similar movies and music on the plane ride home, which i gladly indulged in. All in all, a great and memorable trip.

The Indigo Parsnip Chapter Three

Out in the east side of the city, a car pulled up to an old factory building. A man in a long trench coat strolled out. An air of importantance surrounded the man as he knocked loudly on one of the giant doors. A eye hole opened for a second and then the whole door swung open. A large tattoed man stood guarding the door on the inside.
"Welcome, Mr. Parvici. Right his way" said the guard.
"Thanks André." replied Mr. Parvici.
"Just through here, sir."
Mr. Parvici opened a white door, and three things hit him at once.

1) The deep bass from the music playing inside the room.

2) A gust of smokey warm air.

3) A fist

Mr. Parvici fell like a sack of Italian hammers. His perfectly greased-back hair was all mussed up from the fall, and that pissed him off.
"Who is the DEAD SON OF A BITCH that threw that punch." bellowed Mr. Parvici, as he clambered to his feet.
Every face in the room was gawking at Mr. Parvici. Even the DJ had stopped the music. Something this exciting had not happened for at least a week and a half, and everyone was itching for some true entertainment.
"Oh my god, Mr. Parvici! I'm so sorry, I thought you were that bastard Roberto. They said he was coming, and he owes me big. Are you hurt?" stammered an enormous buffoon of a man.
"Only my pride Ferdinand, only my pride."
"I promise it will never happen again" grovelled Ferdinand.
Everyone knew it was coming. Tension had fell on the room, all eyes were on the two standing in the glowing doorway.
"If it does, you'll be completely deaf."
"What? I don't underst..."
As quick as a flash, Mr Parvici pulled out his pistol, and shot Ferdinand's right ear clean off.
He was dragged out by two goons, so his screams wouldn't disrupt the patrons.
"Why you all lookin' up here? Let's go, have fun!" yelled Mr. Parvici, jovially.
He walked down to his special table where his cronies were waiting for him. One of the fights was about to start, and he didn't want to miss a moment. This was going to be the fight of the year.
"Make sure he gets a beating of a lifetime, okay?" he commanded. "I don't want Ferdinand to forget this."
"Yes sir, of course"
The lights shifted, and focussed upon the square in the center of the building. Two men walked out of the darkness on opposite sides of the square. One was an enormous man, covered in hair. The other a tiny Korean man.
"Oh man, I bet that little guy is as fast as lightning!" whispered Mr. Parvici to his table-mates.
"We put the bets on him." replied one of them.
"Good man!"
A bell rang out to signify the beginning of the match. The hulking bear-man lunged towards the frightened Korean.
"Wait for his kick-ass moves!" giggled Parvici.
The shadow of the giant enveloped the tiny man in the square. His legs tensed up, getting ready to dodge the impending attack from the hairy beast. The muscles released, the tension sent the man flying upwards...right into the enormous fists of the giant man. The Korean man crumpled unceremoniously into a heap.
"You fucking moron!" screamed Parvici. "What is wrong with you! Jesus Christ!"
"Sorry sir." apologized his crony.
"Ah, shut up."
The bear-man had won the right to fight in the next match. Mr. Parvici wasn't going to get fooled this time.
"Okay, money on the bear-man," he growled.
"On Hans?" asked the obviously confused crony.
"Yes, the bear-man! Whatever!" snarled Parvici.
The next fighter entered the square. He was a tall man, with rippling muscles. He was wearing a pin-stripe suit. He began to unbutton the suit until he was just wearing pants and an undershirt. He had a sweet smell about him, like freshly baked bread.
"Who the fuck is this guy?" inquired Parvici.
"Umm, the only name we have is Fitzgibbons."
"Sounds like a dick"
"Yes sir."
"You are such a fucking bitch aren't you?" added Parvici, snidely.
"Yes sir."
The same bell rang, and the match began. Fitzgibbons was standing, smoking a cigarette calmly. Hans seemed confused, shouldn't people be running away from him? Hans' minute brain slowly realized that Fitzgibbons was, in some way, making fun of him.
"Hey, you, why don't you hit me?" bellowed Hans, he was still getting used to the idea of trash-talking.
"You are, indeed, Hans Globenhauer, correct?" inquired Fitzgibbons, slyly, his voice sounding like old, rusted machinery.
"Uh...yes. YES! I am!" yelled Hans, feeling proud that he thought of such a burning retort so quickly.
"The Hans Globenhauer that was exiled from his village?" inquired Fitzgibbons.
Hans gaped.
"What did you do again? Didn't you accidentally burn down a building?"
"Shut up! SHUT UP!" screamed Hans, nearly in tears.
"Oh yes, it was the bakery," Fitzgibbons was just toying with the oaf.
"QUIET YOU! SHUT YOUR MOUTH!" sobbed Hans.
"They didn't have anymore éclairs, and you thought that it would show them to burn down the building. You really didn't kill anyone, but those villagers were pissed. They wanted those rolls, so badly." whispered Fitzgibbons, darkness seemed to cover his face. He seemed to have grown.
Hans was on one knee, shaking slightly. Fitzgibbons slowly walked over to him, and put his hand on Hans' giant, fuzzy shoulder. Suddenly, Hans looked up with a big evil grin on his face.
"You silly man, I tricked you!" Hans giggled.
Hans' fist shot up like a flash, catching Fitzgibbons on the chin. He was thrust backwards across the square as Hans started to rush forward. The audience had been utterly silent up until that moment. Each and everyone of them had been captivated by Fitzgibbons' story. Mr. Parvici was the first to talk.
"Man, this is like some stupid awesome action movie!"
Fitzgibbons popped his legs up and flipped the lumbering Hans over him. The crowd was really getting into the fight now. Drinks were being drunk, hands were waving cash, Ferdinand was getting smacked with a cold, wet cod.
Fitzgibbons leaped into the air and landed onto Hans' heaving stomach. It acted as a kind of sweaty trampoline, as Fitzgibbons was sent flying into a table of drunk patrons. Cheap vodka was stinging Fitzgibbon's' eyes, but he could make the round shape of Hans advancing, with surprising grace, towards him. He grabbed a bruised patron from underneath him and threw him at Hans. He merely caught the man and tossed him aside. Ftizgibbons ran up the stairs in between all the tables, past the DJ, and through a door with Hans at his heels.
Yet again, silence fell on the audience. Everyone was still reeling from what they had just seen. Then, a pounding noise came from above them, distant shouts could be heard. All the eyes in the enormous room followed the sound across the ceiling. Then silence...The fancy chandelier above the square rattled. It rattled again. It rattled again, more violently. A single crystal fell to the centre of the square and shatter into a million glittering shards. The impending happened: with a clinking, tinkling cacophony of noise the chandelier, followed by Hans, Fitzgibbons, an injured Ferdinand, a wet cod, and about five other men, crashed to the ground. The audience's jaws dropped.
Fitzgibbons was delivering blow after blow upon Hans, while Hans was waving Ferdinand at Fitzgibbons. Hans and Fitzgibbons landed on their feet, while the others fell onto the damp floor. Then, Fitzgibbons had had enough. He grabbed the arm that was holding Ferdinand and twisted it violently. A revolting snap echoed in the room. Hans did not seem to notice, he released the squealing Ferdinand from his grip and starting flailing the broken arm at Fitzgibbons. Fitzgibbons grabbed the largest piece of crystal he could reach and thrust it high above his head. Everything from then on seemed to move in slow motion. Hans' eyes widened, the five men ran from the fight, Ferdinad hit the ground, and the cod flipped in the orange light. Fitzgibbons brought the shard down, lodging it deep into Hans' left eyesocket.
The crowd went insane. The noise was incredible. So incredible that Fitzgibbons dissappeared before anyone could notice. Also, it was obvious that Ferdinand had fled with the cod. Even the losers were of good cheer, everyone was buzzing with excitement. The night was over and everyone filed out. Only Mr. Parvici remained sitting with his shady group.
"I can't believe that you put my fucking money on Hans!" wailed Mr. Parvici. "You fucking cocks! You knobs! You bastards!"
"Sir, you said..."
"Shut your ugly face!"
"But you told us to..."
"I'll kill you! I'll kick your face in!" screamed Parvici. He then attempted to kick the man in the face to no avail. Instead he slipped backwards onto the floor.
"Sir, are you..."
"Fitzgibbons," whispered Mr. Parvici. "I will exact my revenge on that son of a bitch prick! YOU HEAR ME? I'M GONNA GET YOU FITZGIBBONS!"
Fitzgibbons couldn't hear him. Infact, the only one close enough, besides the cronies, was Ferdinand, but he was too busy trying to find his ear to care.

WTF?

2.
WTF is up with possums these days?
they have to be the dumbest and most incosiderate creatures on earth, well maybe not the most... but they're up there
Last night a stupid possum came into our garage before i shut the door and dropped dead inside a bucket, albeit it was a bad bucket but it was useful nonetheless. To compund this crap the weather was not cooperating; it was kind of cool that night but then it got colder that night and the stupid dead possum froze itself to the ice inside my garage which is about an inch or two thick, thats just crap! I had to dig up the ice and throw a dead fucking possum out of a semi-perfectly bucket, which is now broken due to the possum.

WTF?!!!

Oh also

Happy St. Patrick's Day! Yay!

Oowataweek

-Coughs-

Here, I'll set the mood with some music.

♫Sitting in my bedroom, with my keyboard guitar...♫

There we go. Okay, last week today, I had extensive facial reconstructive surgery on my jaw. This involved me going under the knife to have a section of my lower jaw shaved off, and slid back. This would get rid of the underbite. I also had my upper law slide forward somehow. I'm not sure how they did that one, since i was always under the impression that was part of the skull, but I assume magic is at play. While they were in there, they decided to pop out my two wisdom teeth that were in there from last year. How nice.

Anyways, I spent two nights at a Toronto hospital, unable to talk for most of that duration, and had to ask the nurses to go pee. Two nurses were cute, three were not. They came in and gave me water, medicine, and apple juice through a syringe. Luckily, I was hooked up to an IV so I didn't require much supplementary hydration.

When I got out, my sleep schedule was altered terribly. I went to bed at around 8pm, woke up at 12, and slept on and off again till 9am. I also couldn't have food

This is my main hate of everything thats happened. Until yesterday, I was totally dependent on a syringe for liquid delivery. And even then, they were liquids! Very unsatisfying. I miss food. I really really really miss food. Here is an example:

The other night, I was invited to spend some time with friends at Isaac's. It was a good opportunity to get out of the house for the first time since coming home, and letting friends know I was still matt-shaped and quasi-alright. We watched two Indiana Jones movies (the first and second). I regret not going home after the first, cause I almost slept during the second one due to me missing my chunk of sleep that I get at 8. Anyways, as the first one was one, Isaac brought down a pie left over from the Spud's Pi Day Celebration Bashstravaganza! He pulled it out on the ottoman, and proceeded to cut it. Slowly. Salaciously. Almost as if he was pulling off the pie's dress, and about to make sweet love to this pastry delight. Cherry filling oozed over the top. When he was done cutting, he slowly pulled it out, and put it on plates for the others to enjoy. Flakes of crust crumbled off, in an arousing array around the centerpiece that was my heart's desire. Isaac, of course, never knew he was doing this to me, he was just being naturally slow. Either that, or my perception of time actually slowed down for this event, just to make my agony all the more sweeter for the Gods That Hate Matt And Taunt Him With Pie (GTHMATHWP). This sent me into a fetal position.

I'm looking forward to 3 weeks from now, when I get total real food. My goal is to eat a giant beef and cheese burrito, as some of you already know. This would be a violation of my vegetarian morals, but announcing to you, today, here on this blog, I am giving up vegetarianism. I have learnt over the years I enjoy depriving myself of things I like. I could be a perfect catholic! In the past, I have shaved my head, went vegan, limited myself to only music in alphabetical order for 6 months, and others. This only liquid business sent me over the deep end, and from now on in i'm indulging myself in things I like.

OH Also today I got two packages: Chrononauts, and The Big Sleep's Sleep Forever album. Both worthy purchases.

WTF?

FIRST installment of WTF?

wtf is up with our government-> Afghanistan
now i get that there is alot of complex stuff going on there with the tribal rivalries and warlords jockying for power, but still wtf?
1. We should be out of a combat role before 2011, jeez we've been there longer than we were in WW1

2. What the hell is the NDP's problem? they want to pull out the troops alltogether which if retarded, how are the Afghan people supposed to recover after decades of war and oppression if they dont have any help. Show some fucking compassion for human life jack layton. He should change his last name to Ass if he's gonna give us crappy ideas like that all the time.

3. NATO...WTF? send us some fucking help, there are thousands of troops sitting on their assing and twidling their thumbs with nothing to do. The current troop to civilian ration is 1 soldier to like 100 or 200 civilians or something ridiculus like that, so how are we supposed to help people without proper help from people that are capable of giving it?

Basically the Afghan people have been fucked over since the Soviets decided to invade, and even before that with tribal fighting, i mean come on these people need help and the west is in a position to give it.

Now im not a proffesional political analyst but still WTF?